Finances and Superheroes
by theworstperson
Summary: A slightly different approach on being a superhero is taken when a simple finance manager at S.H.I.E.L.D. realizes his job is a little too hard to perform from his office alone. (Rated T for fucken curse words wtf also this is kind of a crack fic enjoy) (yes matt is trans bye)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: i am so sorry sop hie**

Working at S.H.I.E.L.D. should have been something exciting for anyone, as you got to work next to world's most heroic heroes. The crème de la crème of questionable people possessing great power. A fine bunch, so you'd think. Really, Matt believed, most of them were rather unsympathetic. But he could honestly not care less, that is if he didn't have to see them every once in a while. Now, you might think this badly written character was one of said people, but really he was just a secretary working a bit too close to them in an office-like department of S.H.I.E.L.D., handling finances and such. And this, at times, was not easy. Since a lot of the people who saved the world did not give a shit about destruction, he had to give about five times the shits. Insurances didn't cover world-saving after all. Try explaining why the Golden Gay Bridge was destroyed to your boss for fucking example. Right. You can't because things like that shouldn't be destroyed and you shouldn't have to explain it!

Now, what Matt's job precisely was, was taking complaints from people mainly. The occasional things that he did that didn't involve listening to people yelling at him, was he himself running after world's finest like a babysitter, informing them not to leave a path of destruction. Yep, he was the annoying office man chasing people down about finances. That didn't mean he was a pure-blooded asshole though, not at all. But the job paid well, for the small cost of your sanity and everlasting silence about anything S.H.I.E.L.D. did. A fair deal, if you're.. you know, Satan. Or Director Fury. Who basically were the same people.

Anyway now, at the present time, Matt was chasing after Director Fury after being informed that the Avengers initiative would be started to deal with this weird ass horn man who apparently stole the tesseract. He didn't know a lot of details, he'd heard the name Loki but that only gave him bad flashbacks to that city that had been destroyed and had him be awake two nights in a row to cover the costs in any way possible. So, that name didn't really go well with anyone in this department. And if he had a source of unlimited power now, he didn't really want to risk anything with this guy. He usually didn't want to risk anything with anyone who had horns, except if it was a goat, because goats were cool as shit.

"Sir, do you really think the selection of people you chose for the Avengers initiative is.. fitting?" He tapped his pen against his clipboard like an asshole as he walked after Fury, steps light and quick to keep up with him. The problem he had with this wasn't Banner. He knew he could partially control himself and could quickly end Loki if he wanted to. Banner was a good choice. But was about Stark? That man was a ticking time bomb to him, and he wasn't having any of his outbreaks anymore he'd seen during the last years. A little too rich and in love with himself for his taste, honestly.

"It's the only chance we have at getting the tesseract back before Loki can use if effectively." Fury answered quite simply, not bothering to turn to look at the simply clerk. Matt moved faster to get in front of him.

"Sir, do we know an estimated cost for the damage he's done at the research centre yet?" He tripped over his own feet a little as he turned to face him, not falling over though. He didn't have to look more clumsy than he already did. Matt knew that he was only bothering Director Fury with questions like these, there were better occasions and more important things, but he had a job to do. He had reports to write at the end of the month and bills to cover, this is what he was hired for after all. If he didn't want these questions asked, his department shouldn't exist. But it did, so here he was.

"Ask Coulson on that matter, he should know." Fury answered, getting fed up by the questions.

"Sir, Agent Coulson is getting ready for departure right now together with Rogers and some others, I believe."

"Then bother them with it." Were his last words before leaving Matt alone with his clipboard.

"Sir- Are we taking the helicarrier once we have Loki? T-that thing is very breakable... and expensive..." Matt sighed, feeling his soul leave his body same as the air. Great. He was gonna join a group of superheroes who plan to fight frosty the snowman. He was sure nothing could go wrong once you try to fight gods. After all, it wasn't like they tried once already and nearly failed while mister freeze wasn't even present. Deep sigh of oncoming failure.

After packing the bare necessities, like his phone, clipboard, and pepper-spray, the young man made his way to the jet thing they'd take to... Germany, correct? These location changes always confused him. What also confused him greatly was what Loki even wanted in Germany. His fit on exceptionally bad reality TV shows and The Geissens? Erik Range, the man with the longest Minecraft Let's Play on earth with more than a thousand episodes? Who wouldn't want the shame that is german media. Endless recourses of cringe. But he could find cringe anywhere, so why Germany? Stupid bastard couldn't even tell them what his evil plan was before he did it like a gentleman. Gentlegoat?

It wasn't a problem getting Coulson to agree that he'd join them. He'd always have a soft spot for the people at S.H.I.E.L.D. working the jobs no one wanted. Stark, Romanov, and Rogers though weren't as fond of him. It felt like having some tax accountant with you who'd constantly ask if you really did donate to this and that organization. But Matt really couldn't blame them. He was an annoying little shit who'd constantly click his pen or jiggle his leg.

No one needs one of those on a superhero team.


	2. Chapter 2

"Tell me again why we need goodie two shoes here, making sure we don't break grandma's crystal glasses?" Tony gestured around dramatically like the diva he was. In his opinion, he was more than smart enough and more importantly, rich enough to cover most of the costs. He could calculate all this himself, and yet they hired this fresh-off-of-college kid who looked to be, what, twenty? But maybe he was just short.

"Well, uh, Mister Stark, I'm doing my job just like you, and if I don't write my report til-"

"Wouldn't an office with, you know, chairs.. Wouldn't that be better for writing a report?" Tony interrupted him, doing that thing where he'd get a light headache and touch his forehead as he made sarcastic comments. Hnnnghghgnsmdfndh fucken Stark.

"I can't file a report if I don't know what's going on." He insisted and got on the flying thing with them. It wasn't a jet but also not a helicopter- Anyway, it would get them to the Helicarrier where they'd carry on with their plans. And he would not stay out of it. He had a lizard at home that needed food so he needed this goddamn job. Lizards don't feed themselves. They don't do finances, unlike him. Just like the Avengers didn't. The Avengers, in this case, were as useless as his pet lizard.

And one of these lizard-men, specifically Tony, scoffed at him before turning away. He guessed this meant he could stay. His visit in flying-death-trap city has been approved by metal man. God bless. Maybe Matt should stop thinking in only sarcastic remarks. Maybe Matt should stop writing fanfiction and actually do something with his life. Maybe Matt should be feeding his lizard right now.

The helicarrier was an exceptionally huge piece of technology that needed hundreds of people to control it. Hundreds of people who could make mistakes, five or so of those who could make huge mistakes. And one finance manager. One could say he had the least important job from all of those people, and they'd probably be right. He didn't exactly want to be here either, might it be for the risk of getting killed, the risk of crashing, or the risk of ever running into Anthony Stark again, he just could not decide for one alone. The risk of Tony could be seen as the biggest one though.

It didn't take long for them to arrive, since it was still 'parked' in the water and hadn't taken off yet. Upon seeing it up close for the first time, Matt noticed it could have never cost as much to make as Fury told him. He'd have to talk to him about that later. So many secrets even between coworkers, tragic. Enough about finances though, he was here to keep an eye on the Earth's Most Unstable Heroes, and he was going to fulfill that job. This was the first time his job wasn't boring, he realized.

The room they gave him was small, barely enough for a bed and a desk to write on. But he didn't get to spend a lot of time there anyway, since the Avengers were now finally assembled and they were ready to go over to Stuttgard. He was still confused. How would Loki even talk to germans? He knew zero of them who spoke more english than a few words. This plan clearly hadn't been thought through.

He lost the thought when they took off again with that jet thing, the constant flying making him sick. He was more than glad that Stark had taken his suit and wasn't here with them, but smugly flying around outside. He could honestly just fall asleep right now, and after a while, he did. Flying was always so comfy in these things after the uncomfortable takeoff and flight sickness. Did that exist? Like sea sickness but... airy. When he woke up again, it was because of the jet tilting when something shot at them. Amazing, just great, fantastic. Extraordinarily shitty. Were they in Stuttgard already? He hesitantly unbuckled, having a bad feeling that if he did, he'd fall over immediately. He did. But he got up again and went to check what was going on by looking through the windshield. It definitely looked like Germany, and through his dirty glasses he could barely make out Loki standing... somewhere. It was hard to tell, since there were four of him, and of course only one of them was real. Probably the one moving, he was watching when it went down between Captain America and him, and also when Tony joined and helped. From the distance, it did seem far too easy, and apparently from close up too, he found out later. But right now, Loki was being brought onto the jet and strapped into the seat right across from him, which gave them a chance at awkwardly staring at each other, like every couple at the beginning at a romance movie, just shitty and uncomfortable and really gross. Loki eyed at him from top to bottom, which was honestly not a very long distance. He could honestly make jokes all day long about himself being so short.

"And who might this be?" Loki asked and gave Tony one of those mean side-eye looks. There was definitely a lot of hate in the air and taking a parachute and jumping off didn't seem like a bad idea right now, but Matt honestly didn't know how to unbuckle himself from the seat and that was a problem. The Asgardian gave Matt a bunch of bad vibes, firstly because he had very much blue-green-ish eyes and.. he did prefer brown. Lighter scales were just cold and scary. And those light colored pupils were staring him down right now. Secondly, the whole attire. A cape and horns and the long GREASY black hair was too much. Maybe it was just gel in his hair but he wasn't gonna risk asking, and he doubted gods had hair gel. Gross.

"Uh, I'm Matt, taxes and finances." Matt said, not wanting to hear any of Tony's nicknames for him, though he did like being acknowledged as a little shit rather than an office clerk.

Judging by the look on Loki's face, he did not have a single idea what "taxes and finances" could mean, but he looked displeased. It was clear the young man in front of him was not one of the Avengers, nor did he really belong in this vehicle either. He could probably judge by the clipboard and iced coffee. Matt wondered if there was any need in Asgard for people like him. He'd be even more irrelevant in his world than in this one. Maybe that was why Loki looked so disgusted. Or maybe because of a thousand other reasons. Like that he was a human, that he was trans, that he was definitely not straight. But wait, hadn't Loki fucked a horse before? Wasn't this guy even genderfluid? He should look him up more.

What he did not have to research to know was that he wanted nothing to do with this guy, but the side of his brain that yelled at him to stay close to him for drama was louder. It was in his mortal nature to fabricate bad events if he got too bored. To make things bad if they got too good. To fuck up colossally, even. He felt like this might have been one of those decisions, but he wouldn't find out if he didn't try.

"And why would heroes like you need help from a mere child?" Loki asked, his tone mocking and venomous. As Tony started arguing how they didn't want to bring Matt along, he started calculating a bit, writing things down. Loki had been born during the war between Asgard and Jotunheim.. So he was 1048 years old. Do a little math and he'd be.. seventeen in human years. Now, Matt was definitely young but Loki was much younger. Yes I had to look this up from a tumblr post and if you're reading this please delete tumblr.

"Says the one who's seventeen." Matt muttered and scribbled about eight dicks onto his clipboard. Get fucked.

He could visibly see his jaw clench the moment he made that remark, but he didn't care. For once in his life he'd made a comment that actually made sense, and he'd even hurt the tiny little feelings of a God. Not a cool one like Ra or Anubis but... demigod-goat-man will do. Next up, Egyptian ones.

"Seventeen?" He heard Stark snort out laughter. "Is this your rebellious phase, then? You gotta show dad that, uh, what? You're living your own life and you don't need anyone telling you who you are?" Yoooooo burn him Tony.

"I am not a child." Loki probably barely got those words out. What's it like to talk when your jaw clenches so much that it would probably break if he weren't a god? Would the vein on his forehead burst? Questions Matt would never get an answer to, since they were interrupted by loud thunder.

It didn't quite feel like a natural type of storm was coming, though.

 **AN: lol wtf**


	3. Chapter 3

The look in Loki's eyes wasn't quite the fear you had for phobias, like snakes, or spiders, or in this case thunder. It was the fear that reached into your chest and grip your heart like an old grandma pinches your cheek after she tells you how much you've grown. That is, very hard and uncomfortably. The Avengers soon noticed too, Steve being the first to speak up.

"What's the matter, scared of a little lightning?" The soldier asked, and you might think he was just really oblivious to Thor's very existence, but maybe he was also just very very stupid. Both of these options meant nothing though, as he'd already said it and Loki was looking at him now. What Matt had expected to be no less than a death glare, turned out just to be the look of a man who has had enough and didn't care anymore.

"I'm not overly fond of what follows." He answered, eyes darting up to look at the ceiling, almost like a reflex. No one was probably very fond of Norse gods crashing parties, but that's what crashing a party meant after all. Showing up uninvited with a giant hammer and a bunch of lightning bolts and NO booze. None at all. And then proceeding to drink all the booze nice people brought, and then hitting on everyone, even your ex who you swore never to talk to again. Anyway.

The thought was ripped from him when something landed on top of the jet thing - he really had to find a name for this or ask Coulson what it was because saying 'jet thing' doesn't sound good on a report - and effectively making it lose altitude. Matt gripped the edges of the seat tightly like his life depended on it, which it might if the thunder god kept causing damage. Three out of the three things that had almost stopped him from entering this thing. The risk of dying, the risk of the plane crashing, and Tony Stark. All combined, right now, and even with the addition of a weird norse god staring him down. Maybe he should stop looking scared and man up. Grow a pair, Matt. He honestly would, if he could. Quite literally.

One couldn't really say if it was a bad or a good move from Tony to open the hatch in the back of the flight vehicle - a word that sounded better than jet thing. On one hand, it was an open invitation to Thor, but on the other hand, the god would probably have ripped the plane open otherwise to get to his brother. So, on one hand, Stark could have saved their lives, on the other hand it didn't feel like that at all when Thor himself was standing in front all of them. If they hadn't been absolutely blown away by his majestically flowing hair. At least that's what Matt guessed because that was the reason for him. The cold air was almost enough to drag you out by itself, but Thor - a fine gentleman - helped by grabbing Loki by his neck and flying away.

For once, Matt stayed behind while Tony and Steve went after them. He wasn't the kind of guy to jump out of planes. He stayed behind with Natasha, feeling a little concerned. Gladly, there wasn't a city down there though. He wasn't responsible for destruction of forests and wildlife. Whew. Got himself outta that one. Maybe it was a bit inconsiderate of him to only care about his job and not about possibly endangering the whole mission. But maybe he could be helpful in the end, like the annoying member of the team who can't do shit and then makes the most important move and saves them all in the end. He just didn't know how he would. How finances could ever save Earth's Mightiest Heroes... Kind of seemed like a mystery to him at the moment.

The thought stuck with him for the rest of the ride and wouldn't let go of him all the way to the lab to meet up with Banner. His company would be very much appreciated, since he was one of the most chill people on the whole helicarrier. He could definitely use the friendly environment for some time.. Take a nap, maybe. Just straight up sleep on his desk. Well... maybe on a chair. He didn't want to bother doctor Banner that much.

And Bruce could really not say he was bothered. The presence of a young man sleeping wrapped up in a blanket was rather calming, actually. He wondered if this kid was one of the Avengers or simply someone who had walked into his lab randomly. His research on the tesseract was more important now, though, so he simply ignored it.

"You've seen Loki?" His words were a blur, and so was everything else as Matt opened his eyes again.

"Yea.." His answer came out so breathy, you'd think he just sighed, but Banner got it. Had he heard it from the other Avengers? Straight up read his mind? Who knew.

"Have you seen him before?" Matt asked quietly.

"No.." He smiled and shook his head. Bruce seemed glad about that. Matt could imagine why. Loki didn't seem like a decent person in more than one way. How he talked to people was like.. He thought he was above you. Like he _**believed**_ he was above you. A trait no one fancied.

"Can I use one of your laptops to do some research on him?" Matt asked, yawning through half the sentence as he got up.

"Yeah... there should be one right over there." Bruce vaguely pointed to a corner of the room, too caught up in his work. Matt muttered a quiet 'thanks' and went to get it. The computers they had at S.H.I.E.L.D. were gladly all connected to a kind of ethernet that accessed all their data, except for all the secret ones. But he bet Tony would hack them anyway and he could find out more. He didn't take long to find Loki's file, it wasn't particularly big though. Just ten percent were things that you couldn't find out by simply googling. Those few bits weren't nearly enough to find out anything though. Just about how Odin had basically stolen him during the war between Asgard and Jotunheim, and raised him as his own son. To be honest, nothing surprising. Sure, it wasn't exactly good to kidnap some stranger's babbie, but then again, he would have gotten killed. On one hand.. Odin had saved his life and gave him a new one as a prince.. On the other hand, he never treated him equally and still had a bias against Jotuns. He didn't know what to think of it.

"Find anything?" Bruce's voice was so calm that he almost didn't noticed it as he surfed the ethernet. He was startled when he did notice.

"Not a lot of useful things, honestly. He just seems to be a kid who ran away from home because he was adopted.." He leaned back in the chair, the mental exhaustion of having to research things eating away at his IQ slowly. It reminded him of college and.. work. Strangely, this whole trip didn't feel like work at all ever since he actually saw all the things going on.

"He still killed eighty people so far." Bruce reminded him.

"Uh, relatable."


	4. Chapter 4

Silky clouds like hazy silhouettes of cotton candy, really all there was when looking outside the helicarrier. Only sky and icy temperatures, no matter how far you'd go. This was probably what Pete Wentz would have tweeted if he were here. But he wasn't. Get fucked Pete.

"Do you know any sentence that could make a Norse god damaging a flight vehicle sound.. better? More professional? Only for the one time I need to present it." Matt wiggled the ball-point pen between his fingers, eyeing over at Bruce. The older man stopped walking around for a second to think.

"...It was damaged by impact during the flight." He answered.

"What if they ask by what?" The scientist was silent once more.

"I suppose.. no reason not to tell them the truth at that point." He shrugged a bit defeated and Matt nodded with a sigh.

"That's what I thought. You wouldn't guess how little insurances cover that." Matt said, making it sound like a genuinely interesting topic. Banner raised an eyebrow instead of asking, discouraging Matt a bit, who said it anyway, though. "Uh, two. That is, if you can really prove it."

Banner gave one of those specific nods, where you'd keep your head up for some time before letting it drop a bit again to continue nodding normally. Like, "ah, I understand," or "I should have guessed". Neither was particularly pleasing as an answer, but for boring post-conversation trivia, it was probably justified.

The silence was broken, or rather intensified by guards walking by. Their steps were in complete harmony, like a crowd clapping at a concert. Maybe he was interpreting too much into military structure. In the middle of them, the center of applause, Loki Laufeyson. Or rather Odinson. ReallyBadAndDisappointingSon. DisgustingGreasySon. Yeah.

As if his mere presence wasn't already infuriating enough, the green (and gold) goblin flashed a smirk to Doctor Banner. It was really a mystery to both of them how he even knew who Banner was. Bruce immediately felt anger wash over him, not even sure why the mere look of this demigod was so.. upsetting. Cringeworthy, even. Like a child who keeps calling you ugly and fat but you can't punch it in the face because it's a _child_. On the other side of the room, his presence was having about the same effect on Matt. Partially. It was for one, the mean child factor, but the second and the bigger part was confusion. Confusion as to where Loki had ended up after falling, how he got an army, why he let the Avengers catch him, and how this could be playing into his hands. He was using hand metaphors too often. Maybe he should use cigarette ones. It's a meeeetaphor, Hazel Disgrace.

Nonetheless, the way he got Banner to slightly boil from anger - not a full on boil, maybe a light simmer, or the temperature a jacuzzi is at - made him wonder if it was a good idea to keep Bruce here. One thing Loki had as a disadvantage after all, was being so overly fond of himself that he'd reveal his plans. Giving up in Germany, not escaping during the fight, smiling at Banner. A little too obvious but enough to just be a gut feeling instead of a full blown realization. And though you should trust your gut feeling, Matt decided not to for now. Maybe he was wrong, like most times. It wasn't big enough of a concern to risk getting fired for annoying Fury too much.

"That's him, right?" Banner mildly gestured with the hand he'd been rubbing his temples with.

"I don't think anyone else has forehead for miles. Except for Brendon Urie." Matt nodded. "...And maybe the clothes gave it away."

There was a discomfort left in the air from him, like he'd farted and just left. And now Bruce and Matt were left to suffer from leftover flatulences, not literally (gladly). There was just an aura of discomfort surrounding him, not just for Matt but seemingly for strangers such as Bruce too. It almost felt like something was wrong more than just that he'd killed nearly a hundred people in a couple days. Maybe it had something to do with the-

"You wanna get some coffee? Tea? I need to walk around a bit to get that out of my head." Matt's head snapped up, his eyes focusing again when he heard it.

"I'll just join you and choose what sounds the least awful." A genuine chuckle left him, for the first time actually since he'd been on this 'mission'. Doctor Banner's presence seemed to calm him down and vice versa. As he got up from his seat though, the pains in his back got excruciating and he grimaced.

"Uh- sorry, scratch that, I gotta go." He groaned as he tried to straighten his back, but it just made it all worse. Sigh. "I'll be right back. Don't, uh, fly off the carrier or something." He said as he hurried out of the door to take his binder off. Bruce was just left confused but didn't really mind it, just going to get his coffee.

Matt spent good ten minutes in his room after he'd taken the Ribcage Prison(tm) off, stretching and doing amateur yoga. When his back felt less like breaking, he put a sweater back on to hide himself as much as possible, texting his friends down on planet earth while he aimlessly walked around. The floor was metallic and cold, not a material he was used to in what felt more like a huge secret agency building - he should have put on socks. Well, his point was - you barely noticed it was flying. Flying, in his memory and mindset, was related to germs, runny noses, dry air, and restless sleep. This was almost entirely different. Almost entirely okay. What was not entirely new were all the sealed off doors, but since he had to inspect everything for his report and would not leave until Fury gave him an ID to open them, he could easily play Ali Baba and open the sesame. And so he did. Slid the card through, beep beep, easy going. He couldn't have said it better.

What was behind the door, more than shocked him. He stayed in a corner quietly while Fury talked to their newest prisoner, gesturing at some panels and control things. He wondered what the whole "ant, boot" thing was about. Probably some reference he didn't get.

Fury did not notice him, as he stood on the side where his eyepatch cut off his field of view. Loki noticed though, but didn't say anything to Fury, like him and Matt were both in on something and he was just.. distracting him from seeing him. Don't pretend we're cool with each other, dickhead - Matt thought. The thought didn't quite make it over to Loki though - he wondered why - as he kept subtly glancing at Matt from time to time. The young finance man thought he'd be happier when Fury left, but truth was, the door was already closed behind him and he was scared of being alone with Loki. Of course he could leave if he just turned around and opened it again but.. His momma didn't raise him no quitter. His momma didn't really raise him at all, as she was mostly gone partying and then came back at two in the morning with some rice. Which was okay, basically the same thing. Stay up, don't quit, get some rice. Easy.


	5. Chapter 5

"I've seen your face before." Came the first sentence from the jotun, and it already made you cringe upon hearing it. Of course he saw Matt. They'd been awkwardly sitting across from each other just hours ago. Either his memory was really this bad or he was just the number one drama queen. Matt guessed the second option was true.

"Yeah... Matt from tax finances, again." He nodded a bit and awkwardly did the jazz hands as he introduced himself, now that Fury wasn't close anymore. It was awkward standing too far away, but uneasiness grew as he got closer. Maybe he should just have not entered the room in the first place. People dressed in green and black were usually bad news. Ask any snake-based character. "We seem to run into each other a lot today, not that I..."

Matt was silent for a solid five seconds. "I was gonna tell you I don't mind, but really, you give me the heebie-jeebies."

Loki made the same face as back when he had first said the words 'tax and finances'.

"You give me the creeps." Matt translated in the only words he knew, and when Loki seemed pleased with himself, he quickly corrected it. "Not in a scary way, like kidnapper with a hockey mask and a rifle, but more like child predator or a guy wearing a fedora on the internet, so, uh, you're just an uncomfortable person to be around."

"If I'm so uncomfortable to be around, then why are you here, talking to me, barely wearing any clothes?" He tilted his head and Matt had the child predator thing confirmed, alarms going off in his mind. Wee-oh wee-oh get away from this creep. But if his momma raised him a quitter there would be a few things that wouldn't have happened in the past days. Firstly, annoying Fury so much he sent him on this mission. Secondly, accompanying the Avengers when they fought Loki. Thirdly, wearing a binder for this long and not crawling on the floor right now. And lastly, not backing out of an argument with this nut-case. So yes, he was going to stand here in no binder, pajama pants, tank top, and pure determination to verbally fight this dude.

"Not everyone enjoys wearing ten pounds of leather and gold armor." He defended himself, though he really had no reason to walk around like this other than looking cute in front of secret service. His logic behind this was, maybe if he dated one, they'd tell him if aliens were real. Not these bullshit Asgardians but like.. green men from mars. David Bowie. That man always gave off unearthly vibes. Anyway, Loki had now noticed too that he was probably the only person on earth right now dressed like this, but was probably even proud of it. Not everyone can be a special snowflake during the financial downfall of America.

"This doesn't answer my question. Or are you lost, like everyone on this rotting planet?" He asked. While Matt had actually gotten a little lost, he didn't want to admit it. This man didn't deserve to be right at any time at all, and what was it with the edge? Did everyone in Asgard talk like Midgardians were utter trash? Thor didn't seem like it, and he'd only met him for barely a second. The guy radiated warmth like he was the sun, and his hair looked like he was a good guy. You know, his flowing locks in the wind while he stands on top of a hill next to his trusty companion, probably a horse or a dragon or something. He could definitely see him like that. A good guy. The kind to try and cook food for you because he knows that you had a rough day and doesn't want you to make dinner when you come home, and does it even though he has no idea how to do it. He does his best.

"You haven't answered me." Matt flinched a little. Oh right, fuck, that guy. He must have been narrating this in his head for a while now.

"Sorry, I was thinking about your brother." He shrugged, wanting to turn the tables on 'how much can I offend this person' a game for ages 14-1048.

You could visibly see anger rising up in the other man, his jaw clenching as he stepped forward. "He is _not_ my brother!" He exclaimed, that one vein on his forehead showing. Matt was still confused as to why he'd made himself look like this in shapeshifting. Because that sure as hell wasn't his real appearance if he was ju _usT SEVENTEEN. YOU KN_ ** _OW WHAT I MEAN. AND THE W AY SHE LOOKED WA-_**

Anyway, didn't matter now. Matt was still standing in the same spot with his phone out. He should livetweet this, now that he thought about it. "im with dis guy who seriously need a chill pill #freeme" and sent. Good thing helicarrier had wifi.

"Well, not to say you're being overdramatic but my followers will hear about this." Matt could only chuckle, being a bit too high on sleeplessness to be serious. He would possibly be scared if the guy wasn't in an aquarium right now.

"What followers?" He frowned, and Matt saw how he could misinterpret this. They're not gonna follow him to war, they occasionally retweet bullshit he said. He couldn't elaborate on the matter more though, as he heard footsteps nearing behind a door and tiptoed away, but in a hurried manner. With a scared-to-death expression on his face. Gotta go!

* * *

 **AN: lmao waddup dis chapter short but so is loki's dick bye**


	6. Chapter 6

i deleted this chapter because it doesnt have me in it and is therefore worthless but basically thor is like yo stop dat and loki is like ok


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: legit ben fuck you for making me want to write another chapter of this monstrosity loki's forehead is huge i wanna date thor i changed my mind ok top of the morning you dickhole  
**

* * *

Matt was considering jumping out of the helicarrier at this point, but he wasn't sure if it would actually do anything since this was a superhero movie and Anthony fucking Stark was gonna come swoop him up in his muscular robot arms and carry him away like a damsel in distress. Tony motherfucking Stark. He wished he could just be caught a little too far down by him and the impact of the fall would slice him into three exact parts, where Tony would try to catch him. Just divided perfectly by his arms. Oh how nice that would be. How quick things would end. But on the contrary, he'd miss the stupid look on his face when his guts would spill out on his suit. He'd like to be alive just a little longer to see it. But enough daydreaming because that was never gonna happen anyway. Mainly because he wore a mask and the stupid expression would be hidden.

Truly at this moment, Matt was playing Animal Crossing, for the Nintendo 3DS, copyright Nintendo 2013. He got along much better with his furry villagers than with his actual team mates. Except for Bruce. He, too, had only three sentences he could say over and over again and has little to no life outside his workplace. Like a retail NPC. Just amazing.

Speaking of the swole devil, Bruce entered the lab again with some new material to analyze, so caught up in his work that he didn't even notice Matt. Didn't even say hello. Rude. But since Matt was also fucking rude he didn't say hello either. And just like that, they remained in complete silence for the next hour while they both did important stuff. One a little less important than the other but still, undoubtedly important.

"Thor got his brother to cooperate," were the first words spoken to Matt that day, who didn't look up from his DS. Not that he'd really listened anyway.

"Uh huh," he said, clicking the A button frantically to skip the conversation. Partially because he couldn't skip the one in real life.

"So now we have to figure out how to fight the one who told him to get the Tesseract," Bruce continued, tip tapping something into the keyboard. Important notes.

"Uhhh.. huh," Matt tilted his head in concentration, now trying to catch a bug.

"And snake people have taken over the government, skinned the president alive and are now pretending to be him," Bruce raised an eyebrow, knowing he was not listening.

"Yeah, I'm one of the snake people who skinned him," Matt answered and smiled amused, tapping the stylus against the tip of Bruce's nose. The older man couldn't help but chuckle at that and kept typing. "You know, I don't think the guy is actually gonna come down here and fight us bare handed. I mean, he needs the Tesseract to even get here, doesn't he?"

"We don't know that for sure," Bruce said slowly, thinking about it. Hm. Logically, yes, he wouldn't be able to come down here. Since Loki needed the portal to open to come back to earth and.. no other evil things were happening right now, maybe they were safe? But one couldn't be sure. He should just keep researching for the worst case scenario. And he didn't know if they could really trust Loki. They had to keep him locked up just to make sure. And even if he wasn't planning anything evil, he'd committed enough crime to be in prison for the rest of his near eternal life. Well, Asgardian prison anyway, not that they could do that.

"Just don't overwork yourse-" A loud noise, shattering, screaming, and also a lot of helicarrier movement interrupted him, and before he knew it, the floor underneath him came crashing down and dragged Bruce and Matt with it.

When Matt came back to his senses, he didn't really remember what had happened or where he was, so obviously he kept his eyes closed since it might as well be 10am on a Saturday morning and his birds probably made some noise that woke him up. It didn't even seem strange to him that he was covered in what felt like stones and dirt in that moment. His head hurt and he just wanted to stay asleep. But when he did open his eyes after about two minutes, he saw that he was in fact not in his bed but still at world's most dangerous not-quite-office-job, and that the Helicarrier now had significantly more holes in it than when it took off. So either a cool Russian weapon had shot them because they accidentally crossed over, or Loki was full of shit. He would bet his left nipple on the second option.

With a very manly, yet pain-filled groan, Matt pushed some stones off him to free himself. Bruce was nowhere to be seen, so he guessed he'd probably Hulked off to fight the other Avengers, since the impact had probably done its damage to him. Luckily, Matt had been covered by dirt and had been overlooked. Sniffle. As always.

As he slowly made his way down the hallway to find anyone who could tell him what happened, he heard people fighting and yelling at each other. It was assuring to know that everything was as usual. Something that did make him a little hesitant was that the big round cell Loki had previously been in was missing. And he would bet the remaining nipple he hadn't used for a previous bet, that Loki hadn't gone down with it. Another thing that would confirm that was Phil Coulson, who was- Oh wow, oh damn. Darn. Though Matt wanted to feel kind of terrible at the sight of Fury closing Phil's eyes respectfully, he kinda just felt a little pissed at Loki. That forehead man was gonna catch these hands. And he was gonna catch em hard. He was gonna have to pick up every single strand of his disgusting greasy hair off the floor once Matt had knocked them clean out of their roots by sheer force alone. That was how hard these hands were gonna get caught by Loki. Loki will have caught them. Soon.

As he was thinking about Loki catching these hands, he had subconsciously walked to another end of the ship to check if any of the Avengers were still there, or if he had to do his taxes and finances alone. And.. indeed. There they were. Well, two of them. Cap and Stark, standing next to a not so mighty looking Loki. He didn't look like he was about to catch two pairs of hands, more like they were protecting him.

"Guys, what happened? Why is our ship going down (swinging)?" Matt asked, ready to physically, and in real life, fight Loki.

"Well, apparently reindeer games' 'employer' is a little faster at smelling betrayal than we thought he'd be," Tony frowned and looked down at the Asgardian….. Jotun. Asshole with a bad haircut. Yeah. So Coulson had been murdered because of Loki anyway. Good, a catching of hands was still on then. Or maybe Matt just wanted to punch him for the sake of it. Though he knew he'd most likely not survive that. A win-win situation, so to say.

"Anyway, we need to get out of here. The damage is worse than we thought," Tony continued and looked around, thinking of a plan. Of course, he could always just fly away, but that wouldn't work for the other people. And he did have a bit of conscience. Not a lot but a tiny little itty bit.

He had to think of something before time ran out.

* * *

 **AN: ben I hate your guts**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: corny im love u**

Loki was, to say it mildly, a little shaken. Of course, he hadn't been convinced that the Avengers could save him from Thanos, but he'd expected to at least be safe for a day or two. Maybe a week. And changing his appearance wasn't gonna fool him. That was the problem of trying to fight someone who's actually on your level. And not just tiny mortals who.. were surprisingly strong… but anyway.

At the same time, Matt was rethinking his life choices. How would he explain that they lost a helicarrier that was worth more than the entire country of Lichtenstein? Just for the life of a single demigod? Finances didn't care about lives, after all. He didn't know how he would handle it and maybe he really should have stayed under that pile of rocks. It seemed like a good choice now. And Tony, who had enough money to replace it all by the dozen, obviously didn't care. Why should he? If Matt had that much money, he wouldn't even talk to people personally anymore. He'd hire someone to talk for him and to him. Never make human contact again except for that one person. Living the dream. He'd live all alone on an island with moths and lizards and exotic birds. And occasionally he'd post something on Instagram and get his paid followers to comment on it.

Sadly, it wasn't like that. Instead, he was a tiny man with back problems and a lot of anger issues who had to work with world's biggest asshole, who was living that dream. Maybe he could skin Tony alive at some point and wear him like a suit for the rest of his life to pretend he was him.

"Figure something out yet?" Steve looked over at Matt, who must have looked very concentrated thinking about his detailed plan how to become Tony Stark. Only that Steve was probably thinking he was actually concerned over this situation. And that, children, is where Steve Rogers was wrong.

"Uh, yeah, obviously. Have Tony put us in a giant basket and carry us down to safety in his Iron Man suit thing," He said jokingly, not knowing why Steve even expected him to be thinking anything. At all. To have brain activity, at best. Rogers just answered with a sigh and looked over to Tony, kind of lost. If they didn't do anything in the next few minutes, they wouldn't do anything anymore for all eternity. Except for Loki. The guy was made of Teflon, as far as he was concerned.

"I can take Loki and fly down, you.. take a parachute or whatever," Tony said and picked up the Jotun bridal style, because this wasn't already awkward enough, and started flying down. Well goodbye then? Thanks.

To not go into detail on how Steve and Matt got down, let's just say the parachute idea was good in concept. But not that great since they only had one and Matt basically had to hold onto the dorito shaped man for his dear life, while also screaming the whole time. And lying down flat on the ground once they got down. Since that was very embarrassing for the both of them (mostly for the one screaming), we are going to cut this scene and display an ad of your choice right here. Boop. There it is. And for only 15.99$ per day, you can view this fanfiction completely ad free. Tell you what, I'll throw a clown doll in for your personal use. So that's 15.99$ for no ads on this self-insert Avengers fanfic, and a clown doll. I think that's a great deal, honestly.

Getting back on track, and on ground, the Avengers were now pretty much split up and lost, and also hurt. Which was no good because they still had a job to do, and it was hard to get a day off in these kinds of conditions.

"Get up, we need to go look for Stark," Rogers said half-heartedly, looking up in the sky where the things that attacked them were flying around. Really, he wanted to get the finance manager to safety so no one else would get hurt in this mission, and he didn't care that much about Stark anyway.

"No.. I'm staying here forever," Matt frowned. Just pick me up again you dorito man.

"We need to find the others. I'm serious," Steve said, and did end up picking him up. Which was nice, since Matt didn't particularly fancy exercise anyway. But you could see Steve did. Sure as heck. But Matt's thighs were very squishy and not good for walking, so he might as well carry him around. The only good use for Captain America.

"You think the helicarrier will make it? It was super expensive. The cost to fix it might even be less than to build a new one.." He sighed quietly as Rogers started walking around with him like a handbag sized dog. "Ah.. how am I gonna explain all of this…" He mumbled in his adrenaline induced haze. O woe is me.

"Don't worry about that," Steve said, gentle but firm. Like a volleyball thrown at you by a toddler.

"That's my secret, Captain. I'm always worried," He mumbled and looked up at the sky, resting in his arms. This was strangely comfortable. Maybe he should get a bed shaped like the muscular arms of Steve Rogers. With squishable biceps. Those would be the top seller of the year. Go get em while they're still warm, like the super soldier himself. He made a mental note of that as he held onto him. Why was every avenger so dateable but also straight (not including Anthony Edward Stark, aka Iron Man, who was in fact gay as anything, but not dateable, this list thus not applying on him).

Back to business though, the town was destroyed, the avengers were gone, and finances were financed. Everything was remotely bad. What was not bad, was that Loki had basically surrendered. What was bad, was that his boss was definitely more capable than him and also not a 17 year old idiot with horns. So they had a bit of a problem now, and by bit of a problem, he meant a ginormous purple space man. No, not David Bowie. May his soul rest in peace.

Matt did end up falling asleep like a tiny babbie in Rogers' arms, which just proved his theory on the comfortable arm bed.

 **AN: yea I don't fucken know how to end this chapter he just falls asleep again kiss my ass**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: stop flmaing haterzz i wont updat until i get 5 gud reviiewz aslo fangz (get it cuz im goffic) to corny for halping me wif da chapta**

Matt ended up being awoken by a splash of ice cold water in the face. It might have just been lukewarm but when you are attacked full frontal with a substance that usually goes in your face and not on your face, it just felt cold. Also, who is Luke and why is he so neutral to temperatures? After a quick googling, which Matt did later, it turned out that Luke deprived from an old english word meaning 'slightly warm'. Who knew researching a fanfic could be so informative. Then again, this fanfic was just a placeholder for the real fanfic the author was planning. A long legacy of self inserts that would eventually reach the Star Wars fandom, where he would be Matt the radar technician. The fun part was that he didn't look anything like Kylo Ren, but it would happen after the un-canonical (VERY canonical, actually) events of Undercover Boss. So people would be very confused about the radar technician who was conveniently named after Kylo's undercover identity. Subscribe for more sneak peaks of my next works in the middle of an actual fucking fanfic.

Matt looked up confused and found himself back in the Avengers headquarters. He wondered for a good second if he had fallen asleep at work, but his boss - who wasn't Director Fury, by the way. It was an old balding man who always wore ties too long for his body and failed to tuck them into his pants at least. For his birthday, five years in a row, Courtney from accounting had gotten him bowties as a mild nod at the fact that ties just didn't suit him. He has worn them for formal occasions like the annual comedy night at this one club, that was honestly just a gentleman's club in disguise. People had complemented him on it like their job depended on it, but he hadn't gotten the hint, saying they weren't his thing. Other than the tie fiasco, there were lots of other remarkable things about him. Matt just couldn't think of them. He thought he might have been a bowling champion at some point, or some other sport that required little movement, like billiard or the variations of it. It might have been snooker. But his real passion seemed to be taxes and finances now. To continue the sentence you probably already forgot about, his boss wouldn't have dumped water on him, not lukewarm water at least. He would have splashed him with either ice cold water, or dirty water from the cleaning lady. But this would have required the kind of effort he just wasn't up to. Ice cold water would require actually waiting for the water to get the coldest it could, and since they were very close to the water boiler, they usually didn't get much cold water. Just.. well, lukewarm water. The one he'd been splashed with. The floors where it was greatly cold water were the floors higher up, and he wouldn't make his way there. And since the cleaning lady came in only every second day, and not at all on the weekends, he would have had to wait, depending on the day.

Matt had been right with the guess that it wasn't his boss, mister Long Tie Billiard-Ball Head, but instead Anthony Edward Motherfucking Stark. He might as well add some rich boy middle names, while he was at it, since Motherfucking just didn't do it for him on this blessed day, where he finally did something directly mean to him. Anthony Edward Chad.. Dylan.. Uh. Maria Bubblegum, Fucken.. Grape Juice Motherfucking Stark. He was about to call him all these names out loud - well not all those, because he'd forgotten half of them again already - but he interrupted him mid-thought.

"You passed out during the fight," He said, smug but more gentle than usual. This didn't stop Matt from doing the worst he could. Frowning in disgust. He would have made a passive aggressive remark right then and there, but he was genuinely curious.

"I passed out? I thought I just fell asleep," He asked as he used his sleeves to wipe his face dry. And now, since his arms were moistened sufficiently, he got up to get a new sweater from his emergency sweater stash, located in his locker.

"Banner said it might have been the stress or somethin'," He shrugged and followed him but turned straight the fuck back when he realized he was gonna change clothes.

"It's always the stress, Stark. I have heart problems, I have constant migraines. I have everything. It's all the stress. I'm gonna die at age 30, owning a hundred birds that chirp me into the ground," He said loudly so he could clearly hear him even over the long distance of one room.

"Maybe you should.. stop stressing?" He said, not really wanting to think of an actual solution to the problem since Matt wasn't even an Avenger.

"Yeah, I'll try that when I get the chance," He answered sarcastically, soon entering the room again with a different - yet no less ugly - sweater. The backstory to the ugly sweaters was just that he had a really bad fashion sense and liked to be warm and lumpy. He stopped walking for a second and thought - a thing he rarely did. "Did you say I passed out during the fight? There was a fight?" He frowned. The heck?

"Um, yes," Tony raised his eyebrows like he should have known. "We handled Thanos already."

"What the heck," He said in shock. "What the fuck."

Matt paced around the room a little. Well, he would have, but instead just walked around the room in big circles. He'd missed the whole plot? The exciting action scene at the end of the movie? He'd missed out on the part he'd been here for? He hadn't even calculated the cost of everything that had gotten destroyed! What the fuck! Was he just some side character who showed up sometimes for shits and giggles? The one who _should_ have been the side character was Tony Stark. Anthony Edward Birdseed Plaid Shirt Linda Motherfucking Stark. But of course. He was rich and had this fucking beard thing and he was also fucking Iron Man. He could only succeed in life. He would have beaten him into the ground right about now, if he wasn't so short and frail. Now, Matt was actually a good centimeter taller than Tony, but anyway.

"So we won?" He asked, still in complete and absolute shock. Excuse me!

"Well, _we_ won, yes," Tony said, getting nervous when Matt kept walking around the room. Go somewhere or stop walking what the heck!

"Is everyone okay?" He asked, really wanting to ask how much of the town was still standing, but he guessed it was better to ask this first. God, he still had to write his report- wait. "Where's my clipboard?"

"What?"

"Where's my clipboard! My clipboard with my notes! The clipboard I need for my report! The clipboard where I wrote down the cost coverage for all of this! The clipboard my whole life depends on when Mister Long Tie Billiard-Ball Head comes to personally bite my head off-"

"He got fired."

"What!"

"Last week."

"What the heck!"

"Yeah."

"What the fuck!"

"Yeah."

"Ohhh my god," Matt's whole world was collapsing. He'd get a new boss and his whole progress as a mediocre worker who didn't step out of line would be done for, his first impression would be messing up the first Avenger mission and he'd get degraded to mildly bad worker who stepped out of line and immediately messed up.

"Yeah," Tony said again, nodding a bit. He didn't really know how to help with the situation, not like he wanted to.

"Oh my god," Matt repeated and lied down on the carpeted floor and curled up. "Oh my god."

"Why are you lying down?" Tony asked, not coming closer or backing away, just watching.

"I am having a CRISIS, Anthony!" He answered loudly. What the fuck. What the hell. He'd get fucking fired. He was too young to die like this. On the floor next to Anthony Edward Motherhecking Stark!

"Don't worry. I'm your new boss," Tony said, still relaxed as ever.

"...You know, that just makes me worry a lot more." He said, quieter this time. He felt like Japan after the Mongols had invaded. He just hoped Tony would also die in a tornado. "Am I gonna get fired?"

"No," He said simply and hesitantly walked closer, looking down at Matt. Well, awkward.

"I'm quitting," Matt answered after a while.

 **AN: fck off goodbye wtf why am i writing this still askfnkfno**


End file.
